Haitama
by Satirrian
Summary: Meet Harry Potter, an unmotivated sugar-obsessed loaf with dead-fish eyes who might or might not actually have an effect on the plot. Along with Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley, they form Odd Jobs, a business employed by Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Services paid in galleons, parfaits, pickled seaweed, or Shonen Jump.
1. The Hogwarts Express

**A/N: This is Gintama for godssake, I can plagiarize all I want! And Rowling can kiss my ass! Psh.**

**Warning, this story seriously earns its T rating. It's Gintama.**

**ABOUT THE TITLE!**

**Hai-iro is the color grey. Tama can mean "soul" or "balls." **

**THEREFORE: Haitama is a philosophical metaphor for the futility of the human condition. **

* * *

_IT'S HARRY POTTER LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE..._

* * *

_Meet Harry Potter, an unmotivated sugar-obsessed loaf with dead-fish eyes who might or might not actually have an effect on the plot._

_Meet Hermione Granger, a smartass thug whose eating habits will eventually cause her to resort to cannibalism._

_Meet Ronald Weasley, a completely unremarkable person. He wears glasses._

_Meet Hedwig, an over-sized snowy owl that doesn't quite fit in the Hogwarts Owlery, but does anyway by violently strangling the other owls in their sleep._

_Together, they form a Helpers Club for the students of Hogwarts, oh, wait, sorry, I thought this was a SKET DANCE crossover, nevermind, let's try this again._

_Together, they form Odd Jobs, a business in the employee of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Services paid in galleons, parfaits, pickled seaweed, or Shonen Jump._

* * *

Chapter 1: TOADS ARE BETTER EATEN WITH TERIYAKI SAUCE THAN WITH BARBECUE!

* * *

"Are you Harry Potter?"

The sounds of a train barreling down the tracks. A boy with unruly white hair put down his comic to look at the person who had opened the door to his compartment. His dead-fish eyes seemed to say, 'I really don't give a shit who I am,' but then he spoke.

"No. I'm Spartacus."

The original speaker was a rather plain looking redhead. He adjusted the glasses on his nose, then exploded, "What kind of name is that?! You're obviously Harry Potter, just look at your head!"

Harry Potter fingered a piece of his hair, and then broke down into sobs. "This is because of my hair, isn't it? If I was just born with regular straight hair, my entire life wouldn't have been a lie!" In his anguish, he fell to the floor and started to look under his seat with fervor.

"No no no," Glasses quickly backtracked, "Not your hair, your scar! On your forehead! It's _proof _that you're Harry Potter."

"Ah, that?" He stopped looking and lay on his back. The redhead remained awkwardly standing in the doorway. "Yeah, no. Drowning related incident, ya see. My mum dropped me in the bathtub and I got electrocuted. After that I manifested superpowers, so whenever I put my hand on my scar, someone dies—"

"How is that a drowning-related incident!? You got electrocuted! And how can you get electrocuted if you _fell in the bathtub?! That doesn't make any sense!"_

"Don't try me!" The boy hovered his hand over his forehead, his face a challenge.

"Nothing is going to happen if you touch your damn scar!"

"You asked for it." He grabbed his forehead and bent over in pain.

A heart-wrenching scream came from down the hallway. "TREVOR!"

Glasses looked really unsettled. "...What did you do?"

"Nothing you didn't ask for."

Glasses looked like he wanted to run away, but, "I still think you're Harry Potter."

"Meh. I'm the main character, so it's probably true."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Glasses sat down in the compartment, Harry remaining on the floor. "I'm Ron Weasley, by the way."

"I really don't care."

The silence stretched out. Then, "What were you looking f—"

"Don't ask."

* * *

A girl with an umbrella entered the train. Well, no, that's not exactly what happened, but it was close.

What actually happened was a girl with an umbrella and a parachute jumped out of a plane twenty thousand feet up in the air with the words "SCREW YOU BALDY!" on her lips. As she plummeted to the earth, goggles on, wearing a red jumpsuit and a helmet with a sticker that said 'FUCKING ANARCHY' in all caps, she laughed. She laughed in the maniacal manner only Disney villains are able to replicate. In other words, she was British.

Once she was close enough to the earth that if she waited any longer to pull her parachute she'd smash into the ground, her parachute deployed. On her parachute was the face of a cute fluffy white dog. Her landing pad was none other than a train. A train that was just taking off.

"Crap," she mumbled, and quickly steered herself.

When she landed on the last car, the train was moving full speed. She stumbled then quickly latched on to a protruding hatch with all her strength, her parachute streaming out behind her, trying to drag her off. If she didn't get rid of the parachute _fast_, she'd miss the train! Holding on with one hand, she used the other to slide the strap off her shoulder, then switched hands and got rid of the other strap. Her parachute ripped free into the air, the train moving so fast it was a mere smudge on the tracks.

The girl sighed, then got out her umbrella and put it on her shoulder. Lying on her stomach, she leaned over the side of the train until a window was in smashing distance of her umbrella. Winding the instrument back, she swung down with all her might, easily shattering the glass. Inside came distant shouts. The girl kept swinging her umbrella until she had cleared a foothold, and then stood up. The girl grabbed a ledge, and swung herself in.

That was how Hermione Granger got on the Hogwarts Express.

She landed in the midst of a compartment full of older boys. Every single one had the identical expression of a person who had just witnessed an event that, had they watched in on YouTube, they would have claimed it was fake. Instead, they were stuck in the uncomfortable position of being the stupid people in the video who reacted to the strange event. One kid had his cigarette practically falling out of his mouth.

Hermione took off her helmet, revealing brown hair held up in a bun with bangs surrounding her face and an expression that practically screamed, "Wanna go?!"

The kid with the cigarette quickly got over himself and stood up, blocking the doorway. He took out a wallet and flashed her some kind of badge, then said, "You are under arrest, bitch. Everything you do or say or some other shit will be used against you in court. You don't fuck with the Prefects." He started to crack his knuckles.

The oldest guy in the compartment started to say, "Um, Alex, mate, I don't think Prefects have to the authority to—" then all hell broke loose. The person sitting across from Alex was perhaps only one year older than Hermione, and during Alex's long rant he had covertly pulled out a blow-dart. He shot it at Alex, Alex dove out of the way into Hermione, Hermione drop-kicked him into another guy, the oldest guy in the compartment got hit in the knee by the blow-dart and he screamed in pain, Alex then picked up the guy he rammed into and threw him at the guy with the blow-dart, the guy with the blow-dart hissed, "Damn, I missed," then ducked under the guy Alex threw, the guy Alex threw was screaming, Hermione punched the blow-dart guy in the face just for the hell of it, she jumped on the face of the guy who got hit in the knee with the blow-dart, he was crying, she tumbled into the compartment door and fell into the hallway on her ass. She quickly shut the door before anyone could escape.

Hermione could hear Alex screaming, "Damian, you fucking _bastard_! _You were trying to kill me!"_

"Now, now, Skyes, let's think about this rationally. I wasn't trying to kill you," said the supposed Damian, the guy with the blow-dart.

"Then _what!_ What could you _possibly_ be trying to do!?"

"Um, guys?" said another voice. Hermione didn't know who. "You know the Head Boy, the guy who _actually got hit by the blow-dart?_ Yeah, he's dying now."

Alex and Damian completely ignored this. Damian responded, "I wouldn't _have _to kill you if you just _gave up your position! _Resign as Prefect!"

"_So you _were _trying to kill me!"_

"Um, guys! Dying person over here! Hello!"

"_Die, Skyes!_"

Hermione absentmindedly picked her nose. She was hungry so she walked away, wiping her booger on the door.

* * *

"Anything from the trolley, dears?" asked a woman pushing a cart down the aisle. Harry looked up from his comic once again, only to fall in love. Suddenly, there was no train, there was no Glasses, there was only Harry and the candy-lady. He finally got up from his lazy position on the floor, and got on one knee.

"Just… do me." Drool started to drip from his chin.

The trolley-lady moved on.

Harry was so shocked that he didn't even know what to do. Then he scrambled to his feet and threw the compartment door open again, "Wait! Come back! Give it to me! Give _it all _to me!"

The trolley woman gave Harry a disgusted look, and then moved on. Harry stood frozen, one hand outstretched, completely devastated. He slowly retracted his hand, and came back inside. "She'll come around, you'll see."

Ron shook his head as if he didn't know what to do with him. "Do you have any money to buy candy, anyways?"

"It costs _money?!"_ Harry frantically checked his pockets. Inside one was a melted chocolate bar. But, other than that, no money. Harry slumped into the corner seat, drawing tiny circles in the fabric, "...I thought I was rich in this series…" he mumbled.

"What'd you say?" asked Ron.

"I said Orlando Bloom is ten times hotter than Justin Bieber."

"Right, that's what I thought you said… wait… what the hell?! Justin Bieber is—!"

Harry was finally fed-up, "You know, I'm done with this!" His voice took on a hysterical tone, "Done! They are working me overtime for this shit! And you know what I get," his voice got high-pitched, "nothin'! Not a thing!" Ron scooted away, his mouth snapping shut. "All I want is to do the weather lady, and eat candy all day! _Is that so hard!" _Harry took out his wand. "I'm gonna stab myself in the eye with this, because I don't know any spells, if I don't get sugar in ten seconds! _One!"_

"Ah, Harry?"

"_Two!"_

"Yo, Spartacus!"

"_What?!"_

"What's… up… with your wand, mate?"

"W-What about it?"

"The, ah, _shape_ of it, mate, _the shape._"

"I thought all wands look like this."

"No, uh, here. Let me show you mine. See, it's _straighter_, like this."

"No way, Ron, _yours_ is the messed up wand. Mine's just longer, see, so it has to compensate a tad."

"No, I've _seen _my brother's wand, and it looks way different. That part there, it's thinner."

"Somehow, I doubt your brother's wand is the best example of all wands everywhere. I mean, look at you."

"What's that supposed to mean?! There's nothing wrong with my wand!"

"RRRiiight. Sure."

"Are you questioning my wizardliness?!"

"Is there anything there to question?"

"I have a perfectly fine wand, thank you very much!"

"Well, now you know how I feel. Apologize."

"I'm sorry for questioning the wizardliness of your wand."

"Apology accepted. There, was that so hard?" Harry and Ron put away their wands.

"Just on a side note," Ron asked, "What do the balls on the side do?"

"Um, they're… magic reserves." Harry quickly changed the subject.

* * *

Hermione was on the prowl and she would not stop until she was satisfied.

She threw open the compartment door, "You've got fifty seconds to give me all the food you got!" She hefted her umbrella and pointed the tip threateningly. Inside was a bunch of older girls. The conversation instantly halted, and they gaped at Hermione. Hermione pointed her umbrella at the ceiling and pulled the trigger a bunch of times, just to show she meant business. The girls jumped at the loud noise. "Everyone," Hermione yelled, "hands behind your head!"

This was the fifth compartment Hermione had robbed. The last one didn't have any food besides a live toad Hermione had found. She quickly ate it then moved on. ("TREVOR!")

This compartment proved fruitful. She had gotten a box of those every flavor beans. She ate a booger flavored one. They got the taste almost perfectly right.

Hermione was suddenly hit with the thought… Could it be? Would they have it? She sat down in the aisle right there and dumped the box on the floor. She sorted for all the dark green beans and ate them all, one at a time. Grass. Grass. Mold. Toothpaste. Pickle. Elderberries. Grass. What was with all the grass! There's grass everywhere, stop making it a bean! Cucumber! AH-HAH! PICKLED SEAWEED!

Hermione was content. Then her stomach rumbled.

She blasted open the next compartment only to find Damian slowing choking Alex to death, the Head Boy bleeding out on the floor and another guy rapidly saying healing spells. She shut the door and walked to a different car altogether.

That is when Hermione Granger met Harry Potter (and the other kid in the compartment with the glasses). She blasted open the compartment door, "Give me all your food!"

"I don't _have _any food! I'M DEAD BROKE!" weeped a kid with silver hair. He was sitting in the corner in a fetal position.

The kid with glasses sighed. "I guess you can have some of mine. My sister made me some sandwiches." He reached into his bag and pulled out a few. "Here you are."

Hermione snatched it out of his hand and sat down across from him, next to the kid with silver hair. She stuffed it in her mouth and—

…

…

"Um, excuse me? Are you okay? You passed out." Glasses swam into her vision.

Hermione snapped awake and quickly spat out th-the-the-the _substance._ "DARK MATTER!" she screeched, "We must dispose of it immediately!" She broke their window with a large crash then tossed the _dark matter_ outside.

"What have you done!" Glasses said. "My sister made me those!"

Silver-Hair clapped her on the back, "Thank you. You have done the world a service."

"Hey!" Glasses protested.

At this timely interval a Prefect opened the door. Namely, it was the as yet unnamed Prefect that was attempting the healing spells on the Head Boy. The white collar shirt that was part of the Hogwarts uniform was covered in blood and he had a swollen black-eye. "We will be arriving at Hogwarts soon; you might want to get changed into your uniforms." His one eye found Hermione. He opened his mouth to say something but then he closed it. He looked at the broken window. He shook his head and walked away.

Silver-Hair stood up and stretched, "Shit, that was a long train ride. But I guess it was worth the _bonding experience_, right guys?"

Kagura picked at something between her teeth. Shinpachi looked forlornly at the broken window. And Gin, well.

Gin was busy narrating.

* * *

**A/N: This story is a side project and will be updated erratically. Something funny goes here. **

**THE CHARACTER KEY:**

**Harry Potter - Sakata Gintoki**

**Ron Weasley - Shimura Shinpachi**

**Hermione Granger - Kagura**

**Alex Skyes (Slytherin Prefect) - ****Hijikata ****Toshiro **

**Damian Perris (Slytherin) - Okita Sogo**

**Robert Hilliard (Ravenclaw Head Boy) - Kondo**

**Jake Flinton (Ravenclaw Prefect) - Yamazaki**

**Ginny Weasley - Shimura Otae**

* * *

**This is the punch line.**

* * *

**_"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."_ - Rowan Atkinson**


	2. The Sorting

**A/N: Heeeeello there... Don't mind me... Just a wayward author making my way through life... Kittens...**

* * *

Chapter 2: IF YOU EVER GET STUCK IN THE SAME ROOM WITH SOMEONE ELSE FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME, DO NOT BE HONEST WITH YOUR PERSONALITY!

* * *

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Harry Potter."

Harry turned around in the boat to look at the newcomer. Strangely enough, Harry could not remember getting on the same boat as this person, but, whatever. It's not like he jumped into the lake and swam over here just so he can gloat, right? Right?! Anyway, Harry dismissed the soaking wet kid and explained to the three other people in the boat, Ron, Hermione, and some other kid who was cowering away from Hermione mumbling about a toad, "It's just Voy."

"It's not Voy, _it's Malfoy!"_

"Shut up, Voy! No one wants to hear it!" supplied Hermione.

Voy ignored her completely. "Harry, we must talk, the Wizarding Wor—" The boat started rocking dramatically and Voy got cut off; he grabbed the edge. Alarmingly, the boat was no longer following the others, but was stuck in the middle of the lake.

"This is what happens when you put more than four people in a boat! He _told us_ not to put more than four people in a boat and _look what's happening!" _Ron ranted.

"Oi, how is this my fault!" Harry defended.

"Mutiny!" declared Hermione. She turned towards Voy and smacked him upside the head with her umbrella, which absolutely failed to do anything other than give Voy a bruise.

"What was that for!" yelled Voy.

Harry turned to Voy and pushed him overboard. The last thing they saw was two feet sinking into a black lake. Harry sighed in relief as the boat stopped dangerously rocking and continued on its path towards the castle.

That other boy kept cowering and mumbling about a toad.

"Who was that?" Ron asked eventually. They were nearly caught up with the other boats.

"An idiot. Ignore him," Harry said.

The sounds of a drowning person desperately thrashing in the water came from behind them. "H-harry-y!" Splash splash splash. "H-help! I-I can't swi-" Splash. "-m." Splash. Then, "Ah? What's this? Something's got my leEGGG—" Fwoop.

Silence.

"Ah, such a lovely night out, don't you think?"

Toad boy cowered some more.

* * *

A perfectly nice old lady told them to wait in a room before they could get 'Sorted.'

Well, she would have been a very nice old lady if she wasn't smoking with an expression on her face that said, "I will devour you all in your sleep." She gave Harry an especially scary look, singling him out as the most good-for-nothing trouble-maker of the bunch. Then she left, and the young eleven-year-olds were alone to consider their doom.

"_Where is the food?!_" Hermione groaned in the background.

"What do you think we'll have to do?" Ron looked mortified. "I don't know any spells yet!"

Harry was picking his nose. "Eh. Probably fight a troll, or somethin'."

"_What?!_" screeched Ron.

Hermione was rolling around on her stomach. "_Get me food get me food get me food…_"

"They're not going to make a group of uneducated children fight a troll!" Ron continued.

"You'd be surprised. Wait a few months."

"What's that supposed to mean! You think they're going to hold some kind of troll-killing class?"

"What else do you think we're going to learn at a magic school?"

Ron was quiet as he thought over this.

A very wet blond student banged open the front doors. "HARRY POTTER!"

Harry sighed heavily. "'Sup, Voy."

"It's not Voy, it's Malfoy," he said as he stormed forward. "Join me, Harry! Let's bring the Wizarding World to a new tomorrow! Together! Just like old times!"

"We've only met once before!"

"And didn't you feel like we've known each other all our lives!?"

"Um… no."

Voy wrapped his arm around Harry's shoulder. He threw out his other arm in passion, "Don't you see it, Harry? A world where wizards can walk in the sunset next to muggles, where muggles can frolic in the magic-created fields, our forever bound slaves, a world without pain, or fear, or adversity?"

Hermione was scratching at the door, "_I smell it! It's in there! They are hiding it from us, precious! They are hiding from us!"_

"All I can see is your shitty armpit," Harry said.

"Um, Mr. Malfoy, do you happen to know what they mean when they say 'sort'?" Ron questioned nervously.

Voy looked at Ron, dead seriously, and said, "You must defeat a troll in mortal combat."

Ron fainted.

Voy bounced away, yelling, "ERIZABETSU!" He slunk back into the crowd with the last words, "This isn't over, Harry Potter! I will make you see the light if it's the last thing I ever do!"

"I think I can tell who the wrong sort are for myself, thanks," Harry said coolly.

"That line really didn't fit, you know," Ron mumbled from the floor.

"I know, but it was just so _cool_, and I didn't get a chance to say it!"

"_The precious is mine, MINE!" _

McGonagall entered once more. "Line up, brats! Time to battle that troll!"

There was a collective groan from the student populace.

* * *

Turns out they didn't have to battle a troll. Harry was disappointed. All they had to do was put on a hat that would tell them point blank their entire future based on their underdeveloped personalities. Easy.

Hermione got placed into 'Gryffindor' very quickly. The hat barely touched her head before she was sent off to the red table.

Voy's decision took considerably longer—

* * *

**DRACO MALFOY'S SORTING**

* * *

_Hmmm, let's see, your mind is_— _oh no. Not again_—

The weather in Greenport was always cold, no matter the season. But the girl didn't mind. Every day she would take a walk down to the old bridge that crossed into the upper mountains. The bridge was old stone and sturdily made, but few travelers would ever venture close, for the fear of the mountain's curse.

As a little girl, she would explore the woods near her home. She'd go farther and farther each day, until, finally, she could no longer find her way back. She wandered aimlessly as it got dark and colder. The trees grew faces that leered, the roots came out to trip her, and the branches snagged her jacket, ripped her face. She ran and cried through the woods, but then a strange noise stopped her in her tracks. It was the sound of crying, and it was not her own.

She followed the sound to the bridge, lit by the silver moonlight. The crying came from the shadows, where a big form could be seen. "Mister, are you alright?" she asked quietly.

The form lurched, as if frightened.

"Please don't run! I promise not to hurt you! I am lost and frightened, and do not know the way home."

"I, too, am lost and frightened, but I already know the way home." His voice was a deep rumble. "This is my home right here."

"Then what has frightened you so?" the girl asked.

"The mountain has cursed me, and now I cannot cross beyond this mountain range, no matter how hard I try. I am stuck here, where the people scorn me."

"That is no fair! Why would the mountain curse you so?"

"I do not understand, myself."

The girl thought this was terrible. To curse someone so they could never leave! So she crossed the bridge and went to find the mountain. The mountain resided in a cave in the Upper Mountain Range. He was a tall black bear who did not take kindly to visitors. "_Why have you come here!_" thundered the mountain.

"You must take back the curse preventing the man who lives under the bridge from leaving!"

"_That is no man, little girl! That is a troll! Trolls are not welcome here!_"

The girl gasped. But continued regardless. "Even so, no creature should be cursed in such a way!"

"_If you care so much about a simple troll, then why don't you take the curse for him!" _In a flash, the bonds holding the troll were unleashed and attached to the girl. "_Leave and never come back!_"

The girl stumbled back to the bridge where the troll stood waiting. "You have freed me!" he said. "I will never forget this for as long as I live! I must leave now, but I will return soon with a gift worth a thousand suns!"

"Mister, I will return to this bridge every day, and await your gift!"

The girl followed the trail back home and returned the next day. The troll was gone and had not returned.

It became the girls ritual to walk to the bridge every day. As she grew old and married, never leaving the town of Greenport, she would walk to the bridge every day and see no troll.

As her children aged and married, she would walk to the bridge every day and see no troll.

On her deathbed, frail and weak, she asked her child to carry her to the bridge.

"Mother, the troll has not returned. When are you going to admit you've been tricked?"

But the woman thought of the distant sobs of the troll under the bridge and said, "You can not fake a sadness that deep."

_Sniff, sniff. T-that story! You know what, I don't even care what your actual personality is like! Just go wherever you want! Sniff. _

Okay then. Put me into Slytherin!

* * *

—but eventually he got sorted into: "SLYTHERIN!"

It was finally Harry's turn at the hat.

_Difficult, difficult, very difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind either. There's talent, oh yes, and a thirst to… what's this? Stop playing an internal game of badminton, lad, you're worse than that Prefect. But where to put you? _

Not Slytherin, Ravenclaw, or Hufflepuff.

_Not Slytherin? Are you sure? Or anywhere else? You could be great, you know. It's all here in your head. And Slytherin will help you on the way to greatness, there's no doubt about that. Oh? Well, if you're sure. Better be—_

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Harry took the hat off with a mumbled, "Damn jackass hats tryin' to tell me what to do…"

Distantly, Alex Skyes at the Slytherin table ducked under a flaming arrow intended for his head. The arrow landed in the Headmaster's podium, alighting the wooden structure. The Headmaster calmly doused the flames and everyone politely didn't mention the burn marks for the rest of the ceremony.

Ron Weasley was put into Gryffindor, and the sorting ceremony came to an end with Blaise Zabini.

The Headmaster stood up to make a speech when a loud, "WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT, LET'S JUST EAT!" came from the Gryffindor table. The Headmaster sat back down, looking a little forlorn, and the feast began.

* * *

"What's with all the mayonnaise?" Draco Malfoy asked between bites.

"Don't ask," someone responded. "If you ask, he'll end up reciting every single Prefect Code down to number thirty-seven, the one that requires you to have a least one full serving of mayonnaise a day."

"The Prefect Codes don't actually exist, of course," someone else said.

* * *

Eventually everyone in the hall, except Hermione, stopped eating and the Headmaster made a welcoming speech. If you asked Harry what it was about, he would have no idea.

He slept through it.

* * *

**A/N: Here it is! The Sorting! I feel like the ending is a little half-assed and that's because by the time I got there I had completely lost all my motivation! That's what happens when you write Gin's character for an extended period of time! Sigh. I warned you. **

**And Katsura's story in the middle! That was a bitch to write! I don't do emotional! I do funny! It took forever... **

**KEY:**

**Katsura - Draco Malfoy**

**Otose - ****McGonagall**

* * *

**This is the punch line.**

* * *

**_"Tragedy is when _I_ cut my finger. Comedy is when _you_ fall into an open sewer and die."_ - Mel Brooks**


	3. Diagon Alley

**A/N: OI! Review, dammit!**

* * *

Chapter 3: FLASHBACKS WERE CREATED BECAUSE AUTHORS FORGOT SOMETHING IMPORTANT AND NEEDED A CONVENIENT WAY TO PUT IT IN THE STORY!

* * *

FLASHBACK

* * *

Approximately a bunch of days before Harry got stuck on a train with a bunch of lunatics, he was crapping on the toilet while reading scene in Gintaman about crapping on the toilet. In the scene, Ginta was freaking out because there was no toilet paper. How ridiculous, who'd ever react that badly to something so st—

Eh?

This wasn't happening.

EH?!

It just wasn't happening.

"EEHHHH?!"

His life wasn't a manga, goddammit!

The roll of toilet paper was empty.

His life was over. Completely over. He would die here, on the toilet, stuck with the single crappy issue of Gintaman. His aunt and uncle would open the door to find his corpse sprawled across the bathroom.

What a shitty way to die.

He didn't know how long he sat there. It must've been a while. He debated killing himself (maybe in death his hair would become straight) when a miracle from the paper gods themselves descended upon him. He could see the light! He reached out towards the letter that slid under the door, the last ray of hope!

Not even bothering to see who it was from, he ripped the wax seal and put the letter to work. Afterward, he stood up, flushed, grabbed the manga and saluted the now-empty envelope. It had served a purpose far greater than anything else it could have dreamed.

He marched out the door like nothing had happened.

Harry found Dudley brooding in front of the window to the backyard. He had bandages over one eye and had his blond hair combed over the side of his face. He was also eating a lollipop that was smoking on one end.

"Yo, Dudders, having fun?" Harry waved apathetically.

Dudley stared intensely out the window. "No— until the black beast of vengeance within me has been sated, all the world can burn to ashes."

Harry blinked. "Welllll then," he drawled, "have you seen the old bag? She owes me ten pounds."

"She's in Hell." Dudley slowly turned his head to look down at Harry. His eyes were bloodshot and insane, his chubby face expressionless. "Where you're about to go."

And that was Harry's cue! He slapped Dudley on the shoulder (Dudley barely twitched from his position, he was like a stone statue for all he knew) "Uh, great."

Harry meandered away in a vague sort of way. He felt Dudley's eyes following him outside. If he cared to listen closely, Harry could've heard Dudley mutter, "I will destroy everything…" But Harry didn't care, so that particular message went unheard.

Outside, Harry realized how much of a pain it was to be outside, so he was about to head in when he saw the strangest sight. An owl in broad daylight! The owl came closer and eventually flew to stop right in front of Harry. When it dropped a letter, Harry knew what was going on.

"OH, GREAT GOD OF PAPER! MY NEED HAS BEEN," the owl flew up and started to peck Harry in the head, "Ow, SATED, ow, YOU NO LONGER NEED, goddamn bird! TO SEND YOUR MESSENGERS IN HOLY, ah shit!" Harry gave up and started strangling the bird instead, messenger of the toilet god or no. The bird ripped out of the half-nelson (wrestling moves weren't meant for birds anyway) and flew away with all his feathers mussed. Muttering to himself about stupid birds, Harry picked up the letter and decided to actually read it this time.

It was an invitation to a school of magic. Harry threw it in the pile on his desk with all the others. He got a lot of letters from stupid schools. There was the Trueblood Academy (a vampire trap if he ever saw one), the Samurai University for the Gifted ("gifted" was a nice way to say mentally impaired), Lunar College (and they weren't talking about space here), and you can't forget the ye olde This Is A Real School School for Humans (don't even need a comment here).

Now Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry could be added to the list.

Harry thought that if he got an invitation from Shin'ō Academy in Soul Society, he'd accept in a heartbeat. His reasoning was thus: would a magic school help him learn Bankai? No, it wouldn't. It was as simple as that.

* * *

As time went on, the messengers from the toilet god became more adamant about spamming Harry with stupid advertisements for that stupid school. Anyone with an email would understand the feeling. Luckily, no one came knocking on Harry's door yet, but Harry knew it was only a matter of time. That was how these things worked.

It came on a Sunday. Unfortunately for whoever knocked on the door, Dudley opened it.

Outside was an enormous man whose head surpassed the top of the doorway. His face was covered in a thick beard and his coat hung loosely over his huge frame. The man towered over Dudley easily.

"I've bin lookin' fer a Harry Potter, you 'im?"

Silence on Dudley's part. Finally, expressionlessly, "What business have you with my cousin?"

"Ah, yer his cousin, are yeh?" The man clapped his huge hand on Dudley's shoulder, which, again, failed to move him more than an inch. "Where's the lad now? Haven' seen 'im since he was a baby!" He laughed whole-heartedly.

Dudley calmly removed the man's hand from his shoulder. "He is not to die until the day I kill him, am I clear?"

The man's laughter trailed off in a confused way. "Wha' yeh talkin' 'bout, boy? Why would yeh hurt yer cousin?"

Dudley smiled in a not pleasant and half-insane way. He opened his mouth to respond but was interrupted by Harry.

"Oh, _you!_" Harry stormed the door and Dudley faded back into the shadows with a dark laugh, his eye glinting with malice. "I told ya I'd pay you back! Just give me another month!"

"Uh, 'scuse me? I don' think I lent yeh any money—"

"Don't play that card with me! I won't fall for it twice! Just give me some time, I'll have it in a year— no, two years!" Harry held up two fingers. "3D2Y!"

"Wha'? I can' wait two years, I gotta take yeh to Diagon—"

Harry shut the door in the man's face. He leaned back against the door and slid to the floor with a sigh.

"You didn't actually owe that man any money," Dudley stated.

"I've dealt with his kind before. They won't leave until you buy something. This one couple was so persistent I ended up buying twenty swords made out of 'space wood.'" Harry snorted.

Dudley reminded himself to cancel his order for twenty wooden swords made out of "space wood." It came with a free kitchen knife set.

A week later, the huge man returned. It was inevitable. Harry opened the door this time and tried to shut it immediately but the man got his hand in the doorway. The man tried to push the door open while Harry tried to hold it closed. It shouldn't come as a surprise when the door split in half right down the middle. Harry stared the broken piece of wood on the ground. He looked at the man. He looked at the wood. Harry straightened his back and said, "That door cost three thousand quid. Pay up." He held out his hand.

"Er, real sorry abou' tha'. Don' know me own strength." The man slipped a pink umbrella out of his huge overcoat. "Let me fix tha' righ' up."

He pointed the umbrella at the door and it was like time reversed itself. The door reunited with it's lost half, sealing up without a seam.

Harry, completely nonchalant despite his shaking legs, leaned against the doorway. "You still owe me the three thousand."

The man furrowed his brows while Harry threw up on his huge coat.

* * *

"Taking little boys into seedy bars, Hagrid, you're into more stuff than I'm comfortable with."

Harry couldn't see if Hagrid blushed or not with his scruffy beard and all that.

"C'mon, this here's the entrance to Diagon Alley." He led Harry to the back of the bar, but his way was immediately blocked by a group of strangely dressed people who had frozen at the sight of Harry.

"Is it—"

"It is!"

"It's Harry Potter!"

"Harry Potter!"

Like a hoard of starved monkeys, they rushed Harry like he was the last banana on the tree.

One guy snatched his hand and started shaking it, saying stuff like, "It's an honor, Mr. Potter, truly an honor!" Then a woman decked him in the face and grabbed Harry's hand instead, saying, "I never thought I'd meet the famous Boy-Who-Lived!" But the man was very persistent, and he grabbed the woman's leg and dragged her to the floor. The man grabbed Harry's leg and started to _cling to it, _and Harry, who was very uncomfortable at this point, started to shake him off. Another woman used this distraction to sneak behind Harry and take pictures of herself and him with a camera she held out across from her face. She make lots of weird faces at the camera for some reason, and Harry gave her a particularly strange look. While he was looking behind him another man came from the front and snatched his hand, thus the cycle continued.

Until Hagrid's voice boomed across the room, "ENOUGH!"

Everyone scrambling to get to Harry stopped for an instant, and Hagrid ran forward, tackling fanatic wizards like a steamroller, gathering Harry in a fireman's carry, and bolting for the room in the back. Not even bothering to use the special code to bypass the brick wall, Hagrid just blasted his way through. Walls stood no chance against a half giant. Panting heavily, Hagrid carefully put Harry down. "Rabid's wha' they are. Rabid," he muttered.

Harry simply said, "You still owe me three thousand for the door."

Hagrid chuckled like he thought Harry was joking.

Instead of educating Hagrid on Harry's money policy, he asked a question, "First off, how'd they know it was me, and second off, why do they care?"

"It's yer scar, Harry. They all know it. It's the scar yeh got when yeh defeated You-Know-Who."

Hagrid must've been talking about the super-awesome lightning plot-device on Harry's forehead. Before Harry went out today, he had decided that his scar wasn't visible enough, so he went over it in neon red sharpie. The You-Know-Who conversation sounded like a long and drawn out topic that everyone already knew anyway, so Harry decided to skip it.

"Oh look! Ice cream! Get me some." Hagrid did, so Harry guessed the man was alright.

* * *

After barfing over the side of mine cart while traveling to his vault in Gringotts and rolling around in his piles of _beautiful shining gold,_ Harry entered Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions (the 'all occasions' bit only pertained to 'school occasions' apparently). For some particularly mysterious reason, the entire store was in darkness. Hagrid had opted to stay outside, the lucky bastard.

"Hello!" Harry called. He could vaguely hear whispering in the back of the store, so Harry headed over. There was a 'secret' back room with the door slightly ajar. Harry peeked in.

A man with long silver hair was saying, "— bring our country to a new tomorrow!" He was speaking to a group of people in dark clothes and bone-like masks. "Goyle, report your findings on the movements of the bakufu!"

"Uh…"

"Thank you, Goyle! Now on to more important matters—"

"Sid Crownour is now hosting _Wizardly Night Live!_"

"Get out!"

"It's true!"

Harry slunk out of the store with the distinct feeling he was missing something. It probably came from that You-Know-Who discussion he skipped.

"Where's yer robes?" Hagrid asked.

Harry wove two fingers in front of Hagrid's face, "I am already wearing my robes."

Hagrid blinked a few times with a dazed look, "Yeh are already wearing yer robes."

Harry wove his hand again, "Precisely."

"Precisely…" Hagrid repeated.

"So where do we have to go?"

"Where do we… have to go…?"

Harry snapped his fingers in front of Hagrid's face, "Stop that!"

"I'll… stop that…"

Harry sighed. Since there was no other way around it, Harry repeated the Jedi Mind Trick on Hagrid, "Give me the item from Vault 713!"

Hagrid reached into his coat and brought out a tiny rock-sized package, "Okay…"

Harry snatched it and unwrapped it. It was some red-crystal rock. He sniffed it. It seemed alright. Harry licked it. Not bad. So he ate it. "Now take me to get a wand!"

"Takin' yeh… to Ollivanders…" Hagrid lumbered away, Harry in his wake.

Ollivanders turned out to be the loudest shop Harry had ever been to. Huge industrial noises came from the dingy storefront, making the street almost vibrate. A crowd had formed in front of store, led by a woman with a pitchfork and torch. They were yelling something along the lines of, "KILL THE WIZARD! BURN HIS BONES!" etc.

Harry ran to the front of the crowd and immediately took charge. He yelled, "WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM HERE?!"

"THIS BASTARD'S BEEN MAKING NOISE NON-STOP! WE'RE SICK OF IT!"

"_YEAH!"_ the crowd responded.

"WELL THIS ISN'T HOW YOU SOLVE THE PROBLEM!" Harry screamed.

"WHAT DO YOU EXPECT US TO DO?!"

"YA GOTTA MAKE EVEN MORE NOISE THAN HIM! A BULLY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE PUNCHED UNTIL YA PUNCH HIM!"

The angry mob looked to each other. They shrugged. Simultaneously casting voice amplifying charms, they all started singing different songs. Harry, realizing the monster he had just created, punched through the display case in the front of the store, stole the wand, and ran like the fires of hell were chasing him. Or maybe Dudley.

He met up with a vacant-eyed Hagrid in front of the gaping hole that should've been a neatly formed archway.

"Hagrid, buy me sugar!"

"Okay…"

It was a productive day in Diagon Alley.

* * *

**A/N: Sup, guys. This is the obligatory "Diagon Alley" chapter. You know, I was all for skipping that during this story, but then I got a few ideas, so I figured what the heck. **

**LISTEN UP, TAKASUGI FAN/GIRLS/BOYS! DON'T KILL ME! MY INTENTIONS WERE PURE (COMEDY)! *cowers in corner***

**Key:**

**Dudley Dursley - Takasugi Shinsuke**

**Garrick Ollivander - Hiraga Gengai**

**Rubeus Hagrid - Rubeus Hagrid**

**Harry Potter - Sakata Gintoki**

* * *

**THIS IS THE GODDAMN PUNCHLINE! (Rule of Three, eat it!)**

* * *

**SO, please give me your opinion! What made you laugh? What was confusing? Is there anything bothering you? What'd you eat for breakfast? I had Raisin Bran cereal (product placement). If you could replace any Gintama character with any Harry Potter character, which would it be and why?**

**Please review and be a nice person! (I'll guilt ya into it!)**

Hey, you! No, not you. Yes, you over there! Desperate for the next chapter? I keep my profile up-to-date with my writing progress. It'll give you a real-time percentage of how close I am to finishing the next chapter, just for your convenience!


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